bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
