i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
