In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
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