I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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