I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
