Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
