Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
