My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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