you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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