the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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