Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
