All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
