My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
