My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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