I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
