So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
