Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
