i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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