Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
