guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
