It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
