Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.