I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest