you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The Olympian is in my bed