You smell like a Billy Joel song
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
