This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
