I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
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there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
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First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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