The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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