I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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