you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
