I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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