Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
