he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
