let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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