Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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