oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
