i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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