Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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