thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
