I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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