I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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