it hurts more in the daytime
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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