Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
