Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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