dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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