I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
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She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
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He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm like, not good at living.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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