from now on my penis is your penis
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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