when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
