there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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