Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
