She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
