I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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