so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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