In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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