Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
be right there i have to get my cape
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
