Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
