I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
